Everyone should always be nice to everyone

like me 

that’s what I do 

I’m nice to everyone always forever 

the world is nice 

that isn’t a nice thing to say, but I’m too nice to get upset about it  




        ALL LIES 

That isn’t nice. 

 Don’t worry, I’ll still be nice to you. 

Maybe my being nice will inspire you to be nice 

 and then the world will be nice 

 wouldn’t that be nice? 

             fuck you. 

I don’t know if that would be nice or not. 

 would it? 

 I’d do it if it was nice. I like things that are nice, and I like doing things that strike m as nice 


            you massive flirt. 

 I’m not certain if that’s nice, but I like things that are nice, so I choose to think that that was a nice thing to say. 

            shut up. 

Thank you for being nice and saying nice things, but I don’t think it’s very nice when you say shut up. 

Just to be nice, I’ll pretend you didn’t say it.

 I think if more people were nice to you all the time, you would be nice, too. 

It feels nice to be nice. 


 I don’t think that that would be nice. If I died, there would be less niceness in the world. 

 It isn’t nice to reduce the amount of niceness. 

 I’m sorry, because to be nice, I’d like to b able to honor your request. 

 You can see what a position you’ve put me in. 

 And it isn’t nice to put me in such a position. 

 All I want is to be nice to everyone ever all the time. 

              but I want you to die. if you don’t die, that’s not nice to me 

 That is the conundrum.  Conundrum is a nice word, by the way. 

 But I have to consider the greater nice, you know. 

 I really am very sorry.  

 Is there anything else I can do to be nice to you? 


              you could die. 

 The greater nice won’t allow that.  

It isn’t nice of you to put me in this position, but I really believe that you are a nice person and that it causes you pain to do something that isn’t nice, so to be nice, I absolve you. 

              you’re not nice. 

Oh, how awful to say. But to be nice, I forgive you. 

             That’s not nice 

             I don’t want to be forgiven 

             YOU HAVE OFFENDED ME 

 I am so, so sorry. 

 It’s not nice to offend people. 

             ugh, sorry 

My heart hurts at the idea. 

             that’s even less nice 

             I hate sorry 

 I ache, I burn. I do not feel nice. 

 But in the interest of niceness, I will endure. 

             YOU SAID YOU WERE NICE 

 I will be nice. 

            I feel let down 

 I am nice. 

            no you’re not 


How can you say that? How could I possibly lie? 

 Lying isn’t nice. 

             absolve this 

             (grabs crotch) 

Did that feel nice? 

 Things that feel nice are nice. 


             NICE IS A BISCUIT 

Would you like a biscuit? 

             shut up. 

 I just want to be nice with you. 

 Let’s be nice together.  

             Go stick your head in a toilet. 

 Let’s go on a nice rampage, and be nice in convenience stores, banks, bars. 

 let’s be nice to everyone we see, and make everyone feel nice all the time 

              You’re like a robot with crossed wires 

we could be nice, and then they would see how nice we were, and they would be nice to  

and it would be like no one had ever not been nice 

 in the entire history of ever 

 wouldn’t that be nice? 



                well you’re not nice 

                it’s been proven 

Proof isn’t nice. 

                 and yet you proved it yourself 


From this moment forward, I will never acknowledge anything that isn’t nice.
 The only things in this nice world are nice 

 and anything that isn’t nice cannnot be contemplate

                 so you can’t acknowledge yourself? 

 I am nice. 

 You are nice. 

 Flowers are nice. 

 Sex is nice.
Rainbows are nice.
Puppies are nice.
Stained glass lying broken on the ground in the sun is nice.
Kissing is nice.
Almost kissing but not kissing but knowing that you could have and probably will someday is nice.
Video games are nice.
Movies with zombies in them are nice.
Shoes are nice.
Clean sheets are nice.
rain is nice.
                 I AM OFFENDED 
Jokes that shouldn’t be funny and even maybe a little cruel but actually they are funny anyway are nice.


bookstores are nice.
scraps of paper found thirty years later are nice.

cartwheels are nice. 

I am nice. 
The world is nice.
How nice. 


                  you offend me. 

That’s nice. 

 It exists, so it must be nice. 

                  guess what else exists 



                     which is pretty much the opposite of nice 

 That is a nice sounding word. 

                    I find you unpleasant 

                    and tedious
                    and you offend me.
That had a nice rhythm to it.
It was nice to hear. 

                I hope you trip down some stairs and break your spine so that your arse bends back over to your face 
                and you spent six hours farting into your own mouth until you finally die 

That’s a nice mental image. It was nice to picture and it made me laugh. 
Thank you for being nice enough to make me laugh. It was nice. 
                 LAUGH INTO YOUR ARSE.
That might be nice.
I’ll try it sometime and let you know if it was nice.

Wouldn’t it be nice to know? 

                     Seeing a therapist might be nice. Try that. 



Oh no, that’s alright. They’re nice, but that means that I don’t have to take the time to help them be nice. 

I might though. If I ever found one who needed more nice in their life.

It would be nice to be nice to them.

and help them learn how to be nice. 


                         Some things are not nice. 



                         BY DEFINITION 
Definitions are nice. 
I like them, they make it easier to know how nice things are.
And help you describe all the nice things that there are. 
                         What about not nice? Is that nice?

It is nice. It has a nice sound to it, and feels good when you roll it in your mouth with your tongue. 
Tongues are nice. 
                             OBVIOUSLY, your reasoning is flawed.
Oh, flaws are so very nice. 
They make things that are nice also interesting and things that are interesting are terribly nice.
                            perhaps you’ll slip in a public bathroom, hit your head on a toilet cistern and 
                             then drown in a bowl of someone else’s piss 

It would be a nice story for people to tell.
It would make them laugh in a nervous and furtive way
while they looked around to see if anyone else was laughing
and when they found someone who was and met their eyes
they wouldn’t feel alone anymore
and it would be nice.

                          Today has been the shortest day ever.
                           It sucks.

Short days are nice.
They make you appreciate how nice the long days are.
They’re both so nice the way they work together.
Isn’t it nice when things are nice in different ways?

                         go fuck yourself up the cunt with an electric whisk wrapped in barbed wire 


 That might be nice. 
Someone could be looking for just that sort of picture.
I could take a picture of doing that sort of nice thing and post it on the nice internet 

 and then the person who wanted it would find it and feel nice 

 and I would feel nice for having been nice to someone 

 it would be so nice. 
                         LEAVE AND DON’T EVER COME BACK.

Okay, it’s been awfully nice talking with you.  

You’re nice, and the world is a nicer place because of how nice you are in it. 

 Have a nice evening.