**A note: The person who sent this included a url to a blog. I’m not posting it right now, as I’m not certain that they wanted it included. So, if you’re out there reading this, author, let me know and I’ll happily add it.**

 

i’m
thinking of you again. 
how stupid. 
almost a year and you still have this hold on my heart
my mind, 
my soul 
my BEING
it’s late
i’m high on cocaine, thinking of when we used to share that and then make love
knowing that now
all i have is pornography and your fading memory to satisfy me
i hope that you are happy.
no, i really hope that you are miserable but i know that part of the healing process is letting go 
but i’m not ready to do that yet.
i still love you- i’ll always love you
i hope that you find what you need
and
i’ll still
be here

loving you

— 

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Without and within I’m becoming the epitome of empty spaces. I’m carrying on conversations with that hope of conversions becoming fainter every second beat beats time or the idea of into my heaviest head.

I’m used to being used, used to getting used to this. I used to think that I could get used to this, that I would stop feeling this knife after a certain number of stab wounds. I thought I could cover myself in scar tissue, and thereby become impenetrable. Hard. I could use the scars and marks you left behind in lieu of a metallic body, to stand in the stead of a shield. To shield me, I have raised the castle walls brick by brick, and fortified them with lies and little bits of truth wrapped around this hair and bone. I’m constantly weaving a way to be more opaque, more inside than out, more or less I’m trying like hell to become somehow less. I’ve found that I’ve been too much so many times that I have no idea how to want to be what I am. We’re supposed to be hunting for our real selves, and I want to shove the mutilated corpse of mine far enough into the deepest closet she’ll never be found, and offer you this construct instead. I want to become an illusory being, entirely false except for the tiny bits that have a truth to sell. I want to become as impossible to navigate as I find the world around me to be. I want to overwhelm to compensate for my lack of understanding and control. Above all else, I desire control. I desire what I cannot have, the oldest story in the oldest book. I am plagued by a constant doubt unlike any you’ve experienced or can name. 

 

I can’t change your mind and I can’t change that you are in mine. I can’t make this any less real for me, or any more real for you. I’m left wishing we could hold a public vote on whether you should be sorry, whether this should all have been different.

There are so many things I didn’t realize would happen when I first discovered how much I loved the sound of your voice. All of the obvious things like loving you and losing, the way you’d hold me and the fact that you didn’t even have to leave to be gone.

There are new stories here, though, in the things I didn’t know. There is the network of spiders across my heart, the one that simply being us built, the network that hid tiny eggs in tiny places so I never know where to look for pain.

Do you even know where I’ve been with your name? My love was a prayer and unanswered, it died.

I don’t know what’s worse, you not loving me or my believing that you would. I’m not sorry we were anything, I’m only sorry we weren’t everything.

I don’t want to want you to be happy, but because some part of me does, I hope she speaks louder than I did.